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210 years ago today - The Battle of Trafalgar

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  • Peter Garner
    Rank 5 Registered User
    • Dec 2007
    • 404

    210 years ago today - The Battle of Trafalgar

    This is what it would look like if it was fought today:

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." - "What gobbledegook is this?"
    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    Nelson: "What?"
    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle."
    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
    Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
    Hardy: "It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    Nelson: "Well at least tell the powder monkeys to get moving!"
    Hardy: "sorry sir, we are no longer allowed to employ children under the age of 16."
    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    Hardy: "Actually sir, we're not."
    Nelson: "We're not?"
    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."
    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life"
    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    Nelson: "In that case............... kiss me, Hardy.
  • paul178
    Rank 5 Registered User
    • Mar 2011
    • 2925

    #2
    Current state of HMS Victory.

    http://www.portsmouth.co.uk/news/def...tory-1-6500146

    I believe USSTexas has similar problems?

    http://www.houstonchronicle.com/news...be-4549044.php
    I have kleptomania,But when it gets bad
    I take something for it.

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