Worthless, meaningless, managerial sayings!

[waco]

Once had a "top Neddy" as Roger Bacon used to say, who stated at a conference he considered himself to be a :

"helicopter overviewer"

....................Barking.

[John Green]

Re 30

Dave Wilson

Chair talking ? That's a new one on me. Surely - Chairman or Madam Chairman ? That's how it was when I was in the fifth form at the Royal College of Pedantry.


John Green

[Al]

Funny how many firms were anxious to have 'Investors in People' accreditation, when the real intention was to simply abandon any pretence of caring for staff or treating them with even a token amount of respect.
Also, 'Champion' is a title which makes me squirm. It's usually foisted on some poor unsuspecting bod who has to take on a bigger workload and much more responsibility for little or no increase in pay...

[paul178]

From the BBC today. "People have lost the art of voice communication" (on the subject of texting). Would not a simple word like talking suffice?

[tenthije]

Two from DHL:

my function is TLCM analyst. Which means Total Logistics Cost Managemnt analyst. Normal people would call it KPI analyst (which is already bad enough management lingo itself). I have not figured out yet who came up with the title. Or why. I have four theories:

• To fill time in meetings as I have to explain to guests just what it is I do;
• To make it impossible for me to leave. I would imagine a résumé with TLCM analyst is immediately binned since noone knows what it is; (that's my optimistic assessment of using TLCM as department name)
• To make it possible for one of of my senior managers to make the "Tender Loving Care Management" joke. Yes, I honestly heard that in a meeting;
• Alcohol.

Organisationally we are now part of "Germany and the Alps". Which consists of Germany, Switzerland and Austria. And our little office in the Netherlands. However, it does not include the French Alps or the Italian Alps.

[David Harvey]

I was in a meeting once where the General Manager asked a chap about his deadline for the completion of a project: 'What is your timeline horizon?' Said chap had no idea what the GM was on about until a colleague helpfully translated the question into just one word: 'When?'

[ZRX61]

"there's no 'I' in team"

Reply:
No, but there is a U in CU*T!



edit: arsebiscuits! just noticed I was snoozing when i posted that..

[Jetflap]

It irritates me how management always want to “grow” their business – why did they stop saying “develop”? We have one director who issues statements full of gobbledegook, often including the phrase “execute our ambitions”.

But sometimes you have to speak b0ll0cks yourself to be understood. I was once in a meeting reporting on some software testing, and I said that I had got side-tracked when I came across a bug that wasn’t related to our latest software release. The meeting chairman wanted to know what the problem was, but it was complicated and I didn’t want to spend time on that sort of detail (which he wouldn’t have understood anyway), so I said:
“It’s OK, it wasn’t part of the testing”
“But what was it?”
“It’s quite complicated, but it doesn’t affect our testing”
“But what was the problem?”
“It really isn’t relevant.”
“What was it, though?”
“Sorry, Dominic, what I should have said was ‘can we take this off-line?’”
As soon as he heard the magic words, he was happy to drop the matter and didn’t even notice I was taking the p155.

[hampden98]

This job description is exactly what I'm on about

http://www.jobsite.co.uk/job/technic...rc=search_feat

"Technical Evangelist Manager

The Developer and Platform Evangelism (DPE) organization plays a pivotal role in driving adoption of current and emerging technologies"

"We happen to have a PHENOMENAL team of Breadth Technical Evangelists in UK "

I want to be a Breadth Technical Evangelist!
Hellelujah!

[laviticus]

I once drove over 200 miles to an office in Milton keynes,as they where hosting a very important meeting and a recently installed smartboard and VC system wasent working.

I was sent into the meeting room as they just started,after five minutes of listening to this management guff from my position of head firmly stuffed in a cupboard.
The projector,board and video conference unit all beeped,whirred and buzzed into life.
I packed my kit and headed for the door,just then i was asked what was wrong with it?
"Functional transitional error mate"
and left
the security guard who escorted me back asked what that was?
"Not plugged in buddy"!!